Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.