Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

This could’ve been an email.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.