– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.