Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.