Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

My birth announcement for our third baby

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box