Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Yeah. This was me today.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.