Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Breaking news:

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

*bites zombie*

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”