[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Cat is stressing him out.
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.