Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

😂

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

termite twitter scares me

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

i wonder why they stopped looking

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time