[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!