Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”