[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
How dude HOW?!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.