[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.