Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

absolutely not

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*