Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen