Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!