Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

I think I’m having a stroke

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

#Caturday

This January has 47 Mondays

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”