[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”