Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]