Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?