Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.