Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.