[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
You Might Also Like
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If you know, you know
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!