[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Catercrombie & Fish
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.