Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

We decided to have money instead of children.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

“you look easy to draw”

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!