Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?