[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Still my favorite headline of all time:
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
grotesque if literal: baby food
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other