Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Just so funny

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law