Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

The news

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult