Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good