Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

*performs CPR on the turkey*

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

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