Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

*praying for world peace*
God:

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

me in a relationship:

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.