[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself