[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.