Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

We cut our bangs at dawn.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!