dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Something Saturday.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.