[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
if you relate to me, get some help
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Don’t touch that.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
good news everyone
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?