Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me