[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
reduce, reuse, recycle
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.