Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE