Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Me irl

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.