Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

What a year we’ve had this week.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

sensitive skin