Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Covert ops

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

“What movie?” 🤔

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids