Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I hate when that happens.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*