Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.