Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis