Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Many hands make light work
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.