Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this