Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.