Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there