Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

What the hell happened here.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

I love art.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog