[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.