Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]