Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle