Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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