[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
