[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.