Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I try

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.