Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.