Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch