Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Autocarrot sucks!

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”