[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.