Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marvel comics have peaked

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

me logging onto twitter

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.