Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
You Might Also Like
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.