Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.