Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher