Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

No. YOU-buprofen.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

At Walmart during the holidays like..