Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

who named him groot and not spruce lee