Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?