Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

😂

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Should I call tech support or pray or what

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though