Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes