[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.