Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*