[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
