*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied