Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

You’re not my real can

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Going back in time, y’all need anything?