*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
☠️☠️☠️
the #horror is real!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important