Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake