Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

“The Perfect Relationship”

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.