Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I didn’t realize that was an option

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird