Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?