Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID