Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

When your parents check you’re ok.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

These are so Plastic Man-core

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

ㅤ

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.